I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every second of it!

well i went back to portsmouth, went to the the concert, and came home again. just as i thought , the concert was very hard to sit through... i thought about leaving lots of times throughout the show, i'm not quite sure what it was that kept me in my seat, it could have been the hapiness on their faces, it could have been the thought, that if i left now.. i wouldnt see any of them again for a very long time, i dont know, but i sat there through the whole thing, i watched them play, i watched them all recieve their certificates of merit, for passing their exams, and i watched them take a bow at the end, i was sat on the front row, so lots of them saw me, and gave me winks and smiles, and after the concert i met them all outside, and they thanked me for coming to their pass out parade. i simply told them that i wouldnt have missed it for the world... and it's true. no matter how hard i found it watching them finish their music training, i was proud (and envious and filled with admiration) but mainly proud to know each and every one of them, proud to have served with them, and proud to call them my troop. we all went through so much together, (i have written only a fraction of it here to give you a rough idea of the sort of things we did,) and i know that every single one of troop 2/04 will remember each other for ever.

as i was sitting on the train leaving portsmouth, i feeling of contentment came over me, i finally realised that i didnt mind leaving portsmouth, i didnt feel that i belonged there anymore. i felt able to move on, and look for a new dream. i dont hate myself for giving up any more, i finally accept the decision that ive made. and now i look forward to my next big adventure.

that's the end of chapter one of my life..... i wonder what chapter 2 will be like?........
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We grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down probably will.

You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot;
who calls you back when you hang up on him;
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead;
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats;
who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "..that's her."

It has been a year since i left the band service now, and i am only just begining to move on and look to the future, in a way im hoping that writing this all down it will give me some closure. and allow me to move on. I am flying back to portsmouth tomorrow, to see troop 2/04 pass out of music training. i know i will be so pround and happy for them, but at the same time, i know i will feel very dissappointed in myself, knowing that i had a chance to be on that stage, but i wasnt good enough. i admire them all son much for doing what i couldnt, i am proud to have served with them. even though  it was only for a short time.

 

I am looking forward to seeing all of my friends again, and i hope they are happy to see me again too.

 

After christmas leave , we all returned to hms nelson, quite excited about the next stage of our training... we were starting music training!

we would be getting our instruments, starting lessons, and starting  work on our degrees. iIcouldnt wait, I thought it would be the best job in the world.

 

The school of music was situated in an old prison, the building its self hadn't changed much, it had just changed it's purpose. we all had our own "cells" in which we had a chair, a table, and a music stand (and whatever else you wanted to decorate the bare walls with). the first few months went by ok, i was begining to learn the violin, which was fun, and i was playing my clarinet better than i ever had before... but after a while, i began to get lazy, i wasn't practicing nearly as much as i should have been, i was wandering around the school, wasting time, or just sitting in my cell listening to the radio, i began to get into trouble aswell, my cell was alweays a mess, because i couldn't be bothered to tidy it up, as was my room in the accomodation block, i was always getting picked up on parade, because i had been lazy while doing my uniform. i just wanted to get out! this went on for about a year and a half.. i was miserable, i was failing, i was falling out with people. but even though i wanted to leave this hell more than anything... i couldn't, not because  i wasn't allowed, (we could leave at any point during training) it was my heart and my brain that wouldn't let me do what i really wanted to do... which was to walk over the parade square, to major grace's office bang on the door and tell him "i'm done, i can't hack it, it's not for me... i want to leave" i wanted to do it on so many occasions, i just .... couldn't bring myself to do it. i had wanted this for so long, i couldnt just leave. plus all of my friends and family were so proud of me. i could't face breaking their hearts...............

 

So.. i carried on for a few more months, untill the T5 exams came round. i failed on my scales, if i had practised like all of the others i would have been able to pass, and majior grace knew that. he knew i hadn't practised. i felt like such a failure.. they were easy scales, yet i couldn't do them, it was then... in that exam room, that i knew... i would never make it into a band.

 

a few weeks later, we had locker inspections... i was shitting myself, i knew full well that mine was a complete and utter mess, and they knew it too. We all lined up outside our rooms, waiting for the nco's to get to our room, finally they arrived, we all walked into our room and opened our lockers. Things nearly fell out of mine it was that untidy! There were clothes, books, and random crap just thrown in the bottom of the locker... i knew i was in deep trouble.

 

I had heard the speech before, "if you cant keep your belongings tidy, you'll never be able to manage on board a ship......... not acceptable................. disciplinary action.... i just tuned out. i didnt care  anymore, what could they do?? they couldn't kill me.

 

no they couldn't kill me.... but they could have a damn good try! that night i had "quick change parade" by far the worst of the  "remedial training exersises" on short a quick change parade is:

fall in at the gate of the naval base and meet the NCO on duty to be inspected, then you would be given an amount of time and a uniform

ie ;3 mins and full ceremonial dress - you had to run back to your accomodation block , up to the top floor (and befor you ask stairs not lifts!) get into a different uniform (in this case ceremonial dress and then get back to the gate in under 3 minutes.. it is impossible, but you have to try. it is now, when you find out who youre really friends are. quick change parades usually happened in the evening on a friday, would your friends stay and help you, or would they go out and start the party?? some went, some stayed. but they got the job done, they helped me change, got the next uniform ready to put on, and hung up the one that had just come off. it is quite funny to watch, one person putting a helmet on you, one tieing your shoes and another putting your belt round your waist. then  you running out of the door to try and meet the deadline. oh and to make this even worse it was drum major inspecting me.

he hated me.. and i hated him.

 

The following week, the punishment hadnt stopped, i was on DOMT'S routine, which basically meant i had to be inspected at set times all through the day, it was at one of these inspections that i realised, enough was enough. i was going to leave... once and for all. So i went to see the house NCO which was colour sgt carter. he was such a nice man, a real father figure to everyone. and i told him that i wanted to go. he just smiled and said "i think that is the right decision". the hardest part was still to come though.... the thing i had been dreaming about... walking over the parade square, to major grace's office bang on the door and tell him "i'm done, i can't hack it, it's not for me... i want to leave" but i had to do it, and csgt carter reassured me that it would be ok.

 

so that afternoon, the wing captain came to my cell and told me to report to major grace's office. this was it... in a few minutes the dream would be over, my career in the royal marines band service would be over.

i felt sick.

 i dont remember gettin to the cottage really, i just remember sitting in front of his desk, and him saying "so what are we going to do this time? weve tried helping you but nothing seems to be working"

i sat there shaking.. i knew what i had to say...but i just couldnt get the words out... i  felt like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of an on-coming car.so i looked to colours carter who was in the corner of the room behind me,  he gave me a nod, and mouthed the words... "its ok" so i turned back to major grace .... and said "I'd like to leave the band service please sir." he smiled , and said in a fathery tone.."ok amanda, i think thats a good idea" i could nt belive the relief i felt! it was like a weight was instantly lifted from my entire body.... i felt lighter.

and he had called me amanda!! he calls noone by their first name. i dont remember much after that except walking out of the office, and colours carter calling me back, once he had left the room and closed the door behind him.. he shook my hand so tight and said "well done... i'm proud of you. it takes a lot of balls to walk in there and say what you just said. so well done"

 

the next few weeks i felt so happy, i was helping out in offices all over the place, in HQ and the drum major's office, just passing thetime until the end of term, i was allowed to play in the final concert of the term, it would be my first and last open day.

 

Then a few days after the concert it was time to go home, i was very sad to leave all my friends behind, i cried non stop for about 2 days, i was so happy and so sad at the same time. but it had to be done. I got so many cards and wishes, from all of my friends, wishing me well in the future. and i promised them i would come back to portsmouth the following year to see them pass out of training.